Alone
by bthtallmadge
Summary: It's Christmas and Mac is missing Jack who is in Virginia. A string of events sends Mac running after nearly destroying what he dies have left. A goodbye Jack/George story. Tumblr challenge.


**Alright so. We all have heard the news that George Eads is leaving MacGyver. I'm going to miss his character. But I hold out hope that they will work something out with him that maybe some time off he'll return. Better yet stay. But either way. I was tapped on tumblr to do some writing to help send our favorite guy off. So here is a go at it. Did it in one sitting just had to. Now. I am thinking of a second chapter I have too. I just can't leave it most likely any way. I hope this meets expectations. Let me know what you think. #WeSupportMacGyver**

Mac sat on the balcony looking towards the house, decked out in colored lights, tinsel, decorations and trees. He was holding his favorite Christmas mug the snowman and it was still filled to the brim with spiked hot cocoa Bozer's specialty. This was their first Christmas without Jack, well sorta without Jack. Jack was in Virginia training new CIA and FBI agents for the field and he was loving every minute of it. And Mac was truly happy for him truly especially when Sara showed back up in his life. But Mac desperately missed his friend, brother, father figure whatever you wanted to call it he missed him. And right now it hurt a lot. Mac knew like any adult relationship there was a time that most separate even on the best of terms, to go separate ways to do different things. But he just never figure he and Jack would split, even if the worst had happened to one it wouldn't be long till the other followed. Neither could live without the other. And every female relationship that had been added to t heir little family had known about that bond between the two, sure it lost girlfriends but the strong ones staid. You couldn't have one without the other. But suddenly now it was one without the other. Sure Jack was just a phone call away, sure they talked at least once a week, but that was down from every day soon Mac figured it would be once a month, then maybe once a year and then none at all. Like everyone before him, Jack had left.

A simple stupid mistake, a deep seeds fear had driven Mac to Nigeria. A fear of finding out that his once constant had been a lie. His anchor, his safe spot, home was nothing but a mirage. He had fully expected that Jack would follow him in a few days or even a week or two. But then the weeks turned into months and Mac figured that then his fears were true after all and that was why he hadn't come home until his father came and got him to come home. Then he found out the truth and he was crushed that he had thought the worst of Jack and should have known better. Guilt upon guilt.

Their reunion was rocky to say the least and no Mac didn't mean the ground he was drug on. They tried to make it work or at least he did once again at a loss for words to tell Jack what he was thinking or feeling. Then the mission with Jack's friends, it became glaringly obvious that there was now a rift between the two and Mac didn't know how to fix it. He was at a loss, and his second half that always knew what to do and say to help him through was stuck on the other side not helping. Now this. Mac sat his mug next to him with a sigh feeling the loneliness welling up in him once again.

Perhaps Jack didn't know him as well as what he thought. He felt more than just abandoned; he wasn't good enough for anyone. He looked up through the window to see his girlfriend Holly helping Bozer and Riley clean up from their party. He couldn't help the smile as he watched her laugh. But then that thought reappeared, what if she left him too? It wasn't going to take much a simple mistake, a misspoke word and gone just like everyone, just like Jack. Mac scrubbed his face hard and cleared his throat. His dad had been killed on a mission or at least that was the report no one knew for sure where he was or if he was alive; Mattie had moved up to oversight and was still working with them. He wished that Jack had taken Mattie's place. He needed someone to watch his six not that the new guy didn't it just wasn't the same. Jack knew everything about him, his ticks, and his body language. It just didn't feel right anymore.

Even though it was California and not technically that cold, he felt like it was freezing, something Jack had complained about on their last call last week. He felt a loneliness he hadn't since he was a child and his father had left on his seventh birthday after his mother died. Even when his grandfather passed it had helped to have Jack standing there behind him as silent support. Riley and Bozer tried, Holly tried but there was still something missing and everyone knew it was Jack. If Jack had been off kilter when Mac was gone in Nigeria well then Mac was completely lost all together. Mattie had taken to sending Bozer along more with Mac than anyone else, he was the closest thing to Jack they had right now. And Mac just simply wanted to cry, curl up in the corner and disappear. It felt like the only person who truly knew and got him had died. And he didn't know what to do.

He saw the door open and heard the quiet taps of his girlfriend as she came out. She sat beside him and didn't say anything, that was one of the few things she had in common with Jack she knew when to be quiet. "I'm sorry I ruined the party." Mac said softly playing with his mug not looking at her.

"You didn't."

"Sure I did. I'm not the holly jolly guy this year." He groused. "I couldn't crack a smile I couldn't be happy. I can't be happy. You deserve someone who can be."

"Alright stop right there." She stood up standing in front of him hands on her hips, one cocked. He knew that stance; she'd used it a few times the past few months whenever he came home hurt, unable to unwind. "Angus Daniel MacGyver you are worth everything and anything. What is really going on in your head?" Mac shrugged. "Oh for the love of. Ok I know I'm not Jack nowhere near it if you haven't noticed."

Mac chuckled. "Thank heavens for that difference."

"Mac."

"Sorry."

"But I can listen. I care. I care a lot about you. And I'm worried. Something is off."

"Don't." Mac stood sitting his cup down still not looking at her.

"Don't what?"

"Don't care. Please I'm asking you not to care. I'm asking you to walk away to leave now before." He paused. "Before I fall anymore in love with you only to have you leave because I screwed up like I did with Jack. I'm not good enough for anyone. Just go." He turned his back to her, tears falling quietly down his cheeks.

"Mac you. You are more than good enough. You needed to get away." She touched his shoulder and jumped when he yanked away from her knocking his mug to the ground shattering it.

"Don't you get it?" He yelled at her. "I'm not good enough. I don't get to take time for me or do what I need. Too many people depend on me for that. I'm not like other people I don't get to have feelings or a life. My life is tied to everyone else's whims and what they do or do not like to do. One slip and it's over."

"Mac."

"No get out. I don't want to see you anymore! Get out!" He looked down his shoulders sagging as he saw the shattered mug. It had been a gift from Jack a tangible piece to hold onto this holiday season. Jack wasn't coming home to much work, something with Sarah you get the picture. He felt the slow burn of anger building, and when he heard her say his name he snapped. 'Get out." His voice was low and dangerous causing her to take a couple steps back. "Get out of my house get out of my life. You're nothing. You're annoying with always being happy. I can't take it here I can't take any more of any of this. You are all on your own. But you know the problem none of ya could live two days without me. Well you know what I don't care. I quiet all of it all of you screw all of you." He threw a chair across the balcony taking some satisfaction in hearing it crunch against the wall and stormed past everyone that was now standing there shoving past Bozer and stormed into his room.

Mac slammed the door shut grabbed a bag and just began stuffing things into it. Grabbing his keys he pushed passed Bozer who had followed, out of the corner of his eye he saw Holly crying and Riley trying to comfort her. For a split second he felt sorry, he wanted to hold her and say he was just having a bad day but he couldn't he slammed the door shut hearing the wreath smack the door and most likely fell by how it jingled. He threw open the door threw in his bag and slammed the door. Taking a couple deep breaths he started his jeep, and with a squeal of tires pulled out of the drive way and out of town with no destination in mind.

Soon he found himself after hours on the highway with a blank mind parked in front of a cabin on a lake. A fishing cabin, the same fishing cabin Jack had bought when they first got back before joining the Phoenix. They came there to decompress to heal when necessary. He found the key and opened the door. It was filled with cobwebs and dusty, it had been almost a year since they'd come. It was when Jack told him about the move. It was supposed to be a vacation to discuss the change between them, but that had gone out the window, Mac had planned to tell Jack what was going on in his head but. Mac sighed and tossed his bag onto the table coughing at the cloud of dust. Quickly knocking out the cobwebs he sat on the squeaking bed that Jack had demanded he make on one of their trips. It still held the thick woolen army blanket they'd taken home with them when dismissed. The army had released Mac after. He shook his head, Jack too, they knew, even the army knew how much Mac needed Jack, and usually the army didn't notice anything.

He was alone. Not that every so often Mac minded being alone, the quiet time to reflect. No this was a different kind of alone, the soul crushing, bone breaking, heart shattering loneliness. The kind that his mind wouldn't shut down until his body did from exhaustion. The kind of alone that was frightening that seeped into every part of his being. The kind of loneliness that usually Jack would notice and do something about but now, now he was nowhere, the kind that made him just want to quiet everything. He already was he just didn't care anymore. His anchor his grounding point was gone, and gone for good. The one person who got all of his weirdness as Jack put it was gone, who knew when he wasn't himself or taking care of himself, who knew what he needed without saying a word. The person who should have known what was going on and how to fix it all. Everyone had always left him, Jack never had, but now, now was different. He always thought Jack would be there to catch him when he fell, to pull him out of the way of a bullet, if he went kaboom Jack would go kaboom either with him or shortly thereafter. Neither were supposed to be able to function without the other, well he couldn't at least, that little story they told each other sure, a promise, a bond, but now so much of his life was a lie that felt like one too.

Mac knew he was breaking down, falling apart, but he didn't care not anymore. Nothing made sense nothing worked. And he didn't want his friends around to watch him fall to bits. No he was going to fall apart alone and if he couldn't fix it well oh well, they could find him later then maybe Jack would come back long enough to make it all look good that he cared then disappear again back to Virginia for whatever it was he was doing now it's not like anyone really cared anyway. Mac laid down and curled up into a ball pulling the woolen blanket around himself along with the plaid quilt tucked underneath it and slowly cried himself to sleep, feeling very much like the little boy so many years ago when his grandfather had finally told him his father wasn't coming home.


End file.
